In the wake of 50 Shades, as more men, women and couples have unpacked and discovered the joys of a little spice in the bedroom, many newbies are entering the scene and finding an array of conflicting messages and information out there.
Worse still they're finding the wrong BDSM communities and land up in situations where they are hurt, raped, or abused and experience a sexual trauma instead of a sexual fantasy.
So, what else should you keep in mind when entering the BDSM scene as a newbie?
1. It's okay to change & evolve
As adults, we're aware that our needs evolve and change over time. In your twenties maybe sex was more important, while in your forties companionship means much more.
Exploring your sexuality is no different.
For some people the changes are small or gradual … they see a picture that appeals or attend a party and view something unusual that turns them on.
For others, changes can be extreme, such as thinking you were dominant until you're tied up and go into subspace.
Yet others may realize their gender orientation is wrong or change their attitude toward being monogamous or polygamous.
Whatever happens for you, whatever your sexuality changes and evolves into, it's okay, as long it does not harm or take away the free will of another. Well, unless that's in your contract.
2. 24/7 is still a relationship
Yes you may be his sex slave 24/7, but chances are he is not necessarily a millionaire and real life still has to carry on.
Your relationship will have ups and downs, good days and bad days, bills to pay, food to make, illness, accidents and everything else that a normal relationship has … but, without the choice to say no to sex or cooking his favorite meal, if that's in your contract. In fact, some guys are actually looking for someone who will do all the work, make all the money, do all the housework, cook, still look perfect and give them sex on tap. And there's more than a few of those out there.
Dominant / submissive and Master / slave relationships can be infinitely more stressful than normal relationships at times and definitely not suited to everyone. You should be aware that this fantasy world you escape into is still filled with all the same day to day worries and stresses that you face now, and that you cannot use this as a way to run away from your life.
However, if you take the plunge and this kind of relationship is right for you, you will find it incredibly and deeply fulfilling and it can help you release and clear years of trauma and hurt.
3. You don't have to play in public
Everything you choose to do can take place at home, in absolute privacy, between you and your partner. Neither do you have to go to public gatherings, non-play meets, or participate in any of the online communities.
Similarly, you do not have to make friends with anybody, reveal your identity, meet anyone in person, or do anything that makes you feel that uncomfortable.
You also don't have to be poly-amorous, sleep with others and you certainly don't have to be okay with your partner introducing other people or extracurricular activities into your monogamous relationship if it doesn't work for you.
Your kink is not my kink and you have the right to choose a unique path that fits your own value set and parameters, regardless of what the people around you choose. As long as it's consensual of course.
4. You have a right to your voice
You have a right to be heard as a submissive or slave, you have a right to talk to other people and a right over the decisions that affect your life.
In fact, as a submissive or slave you realise you hand over a lot, if not all, the power in your relationship, so it's important to have a strong voice in the beginning to stand up for what you want, clearly state your hard limits and negotiate on your own behalf to ensure you do not enter a situation where you could be abused or damaged.
Especially if you are someone who jumps into bed quickly or engages in casual plays and sex, you need to know that the person in front of you is trustworthy and will respect your limits. You also need a way out should you make an error in judgement.
Many people new to the scene get caught up in a frenzied state of excitement and blindly take anyone who says the things they want to hear at their word. BDSM can be an incredibly liberating experience or leave behind a sexual trauma or emotional scar. The decisions you make determines how it ends up for you.
By Honey Morgan
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